


Icicles (or, the Planet of Slightly Fewer Wonders)

by Eggling



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Gen, Two and Jamie get themselves into ridiculous situations and Zoe comes to the rescue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-27 11:41:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10018970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggling/pseuds/Eggling
Summary: In which the Doctor makes a terrible mistake, Jamie is not amused, and Zoe is frustrated by the antics of her fellow travellers.





	

**Author's Note:**

> for [keatulie](keatulie.tumblr.com), in response to [this winter drawing meme fill](http://keatulie.tumblr.com/post/136841151770/winter-drawing-meme-licking-an-icicle-ah-oh)

“Here we are!”

The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS, arms spread wide in a grand gesture as if he were a magician conjuring this latest planet from somewhere within the voluminous pockets of his fur coat. “The planet Kallon,” he continued as Jamie and Zoe stepped out of the TARDIS, looking apprehensively at their surroundings, Jamie surreptitiously attempting to pull the neck of his jumper up further. “One of the most peaceful planets in the galaxy. I said we all needed a holiday, didn’t I?”

“Doctor...” Jamie rolled his eyes, but the Doctor did not seem to notice. “You’ve said the exact same thing in the last five places we landed. And everywhere we go, something bad happens.”

“Yes, well...” The Doctor trailed off, evidently unable to find an argument that stood up to this logic, and Jamie felt a flash of satisfaction. Normally it was Zoe who elicited such a reaction. “Not this time! You see, Kallon is notable for its ice.”

“Ye mean there’s a lot of it?” Jamie asked, looking around at their surroundings. They could have been in any pine forest on Earth, the trees tall and dusted with snow, the ground beneath their feet crunchy with frost, a biting breeze whistling around them, but experience told Jamie that this was another world. Something in the taste of the air was different, the colour of the trees slightly wrong, the snow just a little too blue and the sky too purple.

“No – well, yes,” the Doctor conceded. “But the ice here has a special chemical component which makes it behave differently to any ice on Earth. For instance -” he knelt down and picked up a handful of snow, “it doesn’t melt in your hands. Like trying to boil water with salt in it.”

“Oh, aye,” Jamie said – somewhat cluelessly, but Zoe was nodding as if she understood, and he supposed it was perfectly simple to her and the Doctor. Before he could say anything further, however, the Doctor was happily skipping off through the snow, leaving Jamie and Zoe to trudge after him.

“What’s that up there, Doctor?” Zoe asked after a while, pointing up at the darkening sky. Looking up, Jamie saw a great, milky-white disk rising higher and higher, crowned by rings, its light making the snow shipper as if it were daylight.

“That’s the sister planet, Melladria,” the Doctor explained. “Nowhere near as nice a place. The ice there -” He was interrupted by the sight of a great stone, glinting as if it had gold embedded in its surface.

Somewhere along the way, Zoe wandered off to inspect one of the trees more closely, brushing the snow away and holding up the feathery needles to the light. The Doctor did not seem to mind, however, so Jamie followed him into a cave that appeared to be made entirely of ice, sculpted in a way that seemed too shapely and polished to be altogether natural.

“Now, Jamie, the ice caves on this world are exquisite,” the Doctor said excitedly. “They’re formed by the wind, you see, and – oh, it’s indescribable.”

Once inside, Jamie saw what he meant. The ice inside seemed to be mimicking waves frozen in their motion, leaping in thin, graceful arcs around them, glittering green and purple and deep blue and, in the central structure from which all the arms branched out, a bright gold. Giggling and clapping at the very sight of it, the Doctor danced around the centre, ducking under the arches.

“Isn’t it wonderful, Jamie?” he exclaimed. “There’s nothing else like it in the universe.” Laughing again, he turned, ducking through a passageway, and vanished. Still frozen in place, entranced by the beauty of the ice, Jamie did not notice the Doctor’s disappearance until he heard his name being called.

“Doctor? Are ye alright?” he called back, heading down the passage after him.

“Look what I’ve found!” came the Doctor’s reply. Reassured that the Doctor had not met with any life-threatening danger, Jamie shook his head and continued on.

The Doctor’s wondrous discovery was an icicle, as it turned out, rough with frost. A great slab of ice like the base of a stalagmite lay beneath it, forming a sharp juxtaposition from the walls, which were swept into sharp-edged, flowing shapes. The Doctor was standing on this base so that his head was roughly level with the icicle, his face a picture of pure delight. There was something about the familiar sight of the icicle, amongst all of this unwordly, ethereal beauty that made Jamie smile, too, and he joined the Doctor on the ready-made step.

“Another interesting feature of the ice here,” the Doctor said, “is that – well. Have you ever licked an icicle before?”

Jamie snorted. “No! I’m no’ that daft. Alexander did once, though, years ago. Before...” He trailed off sadly.

“Well, it’s physically impossible for this ice to stick to your tongue,” the Doctor continued, apparently unaware of the change in Jamie’s mood. “See?” He leant in and quickly licked the icicle, shivering from the cold.

“Och, it’s a trick.” Jamie shook his head. “I’ll no’ fall for it.”

“It’s not a trick!” the Doctor protested. “I’m telling the truth. I’ll even lick the icicle with you, come on.”

Jamie frowned at him for a moment. “Alright then.” He and the Doctor leant forwards together to lick the icicle, both expecting it to slide away as easily as an ice cube.

It took Jamie a moment to realise quite what had happened.

“Och, no,” he muttered – or tried to, with his tongue stuck to the icicle.

“Ah,” the Doctor said after a moment. “Jamie?”

“What?”

“It seems I have miscalculated. You see, I don’t think this is Kallon at all.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Jamie snapped. “Where are we, then?”

The Doctor’s expression told Jamie that he was about to deliver some exceptionally bad news. “Melladria.”

True to form, Jamie’s silence was almost venomous. “Ye said something about the ice,” he said at last, as quietly and dangerously as he could manage.

“Yes...” The Doctor hesitated. “The ice on this planet is different again, it… um… oh dear.”

“What?”

“It’s the stickiest ice in the known universe.” The Doctor closed his eyes. “And the absolute worst for -”

“Licking,” Jamie finished. “Of course.”

Before he could berate the Doctor any further, the sound of footsteps reached them, and Jamie heard Zoe calling their names. Desperately, he and the Doctor attempted to call out to her, succeeding only in making hoarse bellowing noises that echoed almost painfully through the cavern.

After what seemed like hours of waiting, Zoe emerged into their section of the ice cave with a small flurry of snow. “There you are,” she said frustratedly. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere – what _are_ you doing?”

“Licking icicles,” the Doctor attempted to say.

Zoe cocked her head. “Why? It seems rather unhygienic to me.”

“Well, as a matter of fact -” The Doctor was silenced by her stony glare.

“Do you mean to tell me that, having managed to find the only planet in the universe _not_ experiencing an alien invasion, you two got yourselves into trouble anyway?” she asked coldly.

“Never mind that, just get us off this thing!” Jamie cried frustratedly.

“Well, it’s likely to take some time if you don’t want to get hurt.” Zoe seemed to be stretching out her words for as long as possible, and Jamie realised that she was enjoying the rather ridiculous sight of them attached to an icicle. “I’ll probably need to get something to cut the icicle off with first...” Her smile turned devilish with glee. “And pictures, of course.”

The Doctor and Jamie exchanged looks of horror, realising at last the cost of their freedom.

“Actually, Zoe,” the Doctor said at last, “I think we can get ourselves down.”


End file.
